I had heard the name a few times from a minister friend, but I wasn't familiar with Rob Bell, or the ministry he's apart of. Since Dana and I were at a conference when we bought the book, she began reading it while we were driving too and from, etc., etc., and we were both instantly drawn into his thoughts about spirituality, Christianity, Jesus and the other topics Velvet Elvis addresses.
Tonight, I read a portion that describes his "church plant," and the meteoric growth that resulted. He also very transparently and vulnerably shares his own struggle in the midst of all the growth, demands and issues birthing a mega church brought up personally. After finishing the end of the chapter, I went into my bedroom, lied prostrate on the floor, and cried out to God for my own soul, for my own identity, and my own wounded, bleeding spirit.
Here's some of what Rob Bell wrote that penetrated deep into my spirit, took me back to my own train wreck, and reminded me that God has not called me to be a bionic pastor--part human and part machine that props up, pumps up and propels the unrealistic, unhealthy and un-godly expectations of the religious machinery that plagues so much of the true Church of Jesus Christ:
Perhaps you have been around Christian communities enough to want nothing to do with them, and one of the reasons is the talk all seems so shallow. Like no one is talking about what really matters. I think this is a direct effect of the state of the souls of many pastors and leaders. So many leaders in Christian communities are going so fast and producing so much and accomplishing so much that they become a shell of a person. There is no space to deal honestly with what's going on deep inside them.
Rob Bell goes on to say that many leaders are outwardly building bigger buildings but inwardly still trying to earn the approval of a parent. They drive themselves so hard, "because they still believe their parents divorce was their fault." Basically, they're trying to teach people a way of life that isn't true of their own life. Wow! How very convicting and penetrating.
While I was getting some carpet time with God, He began to point out some defining moments in my life that have driven me. Instances as a child that still influence me. Personality traits that are a direct result of an unmet emotional need. And life pursuits that I chased because of the affirmation and material affluence they could provide--which always were issues in my mind as a child. As I let the Holy Spirit drag all this up, a wave of humility and desperation washed over me. The only thing I could do was to call out to the Savior, and say, "Jesus, like the woman with the health issue, I need to touch your garment. I need to grab your cloak that the prophet Malachi said has healing in it, and I desperately need healing. I don't even realize how deeply screwed up I am! I just need to touch You!"
I decided right then and there that I want to be human and be a follower of Christ. I have areas in my being where I've become a religious professional, a mechanical minister, a bionic pastor. And I feel relatively confident that God isn't interested in my living that way anymore. Thankfully, He's showed me throughout my journey with Him that living with integrity is synonymous with being the same person at the kitchen table as I am in the pulpit. So, at least during the initial inventory there doesn't appear to be too many mechanical parts. But as I commit myself to living out His salvation--being complete, whole and most importantly His--I want to let Him restore the broken, damaged and missing pieces with real life. Not prosthetics that "have a form of godliness but deny its power."
I don't know about anyone else, but I am no longer interested in being a bionic pastor, or a bionic Christian.
No comments:
Post a Comment